the question on my mind lately...

if i were to crack, who would be there to pick up the pieces?

happy list!

1. frappuccinos because hot drinks are gross

2. the smell of concert shirts before they've been washed

3. watching the sunset/sunrise

4. talking to Jesus

5. swinging on playgrounds

6. happy people

7. hugs from the people i love

8. hugs from strangers because they feel the love

9. hugs from band dudes

10. writing out the lyrics to the songs stuck in head

11. blogging

12. falling in love with a new band

13. butch walker

14. books that suck you in (aka Harry Potter, Twilight...)

15. scrapbooking

16. taking pictures with band guys

17. taking pictures with friends

18. photography

19. pointless conversations

20. talking on the phone until the wee hours of the morning

21. my youth group

22. mixtapes/mix cds

23. alphabetizing

24. collages with pictures from rolling stone/ap magazine

25. everything about johnny depp

26. my stuffed moose, vladmir

27. having more than one best friend

28. knowing the people i can't live without

29. worshipping my Savior: full out arms spread, knees bowed, tears flowing genuine worship

30. costumes and dressing up, especially just for giggles

31. laughing until it hurts

32. crying until i can't

33. singing myself to sleep

34. sleeping for 12+ hours

35. concerts

36. lines before concerts

37. bracelets that are so worn that they look like thet might break

38. humanitarians

39. vegetarians

40. peace signs

41. neon lights

42. reality television

43. boy bands, especially backstreet boys and new kids on the block

44. old people

45. golden anniversaries

46. reading the paper

47. absolutepunk.net

48. TAI TV

49. street teaming

50. scary movies

51. holding someone so tight that you can feel their heart beat

52. diet coke

53. beta fish

54. having someone say "i love you" and knowing they mean it

55. weekends with good friends

56. slumber parties

57. bonfires

58. hot showers

59. bubble baths

60. the smell of vanilla

61. vee neck tees

62. things that are turquoise

63. rainbows after storms

64. kevin, nick, and joe jonas

65. day dreaming

66. remembering my dreams

67. babies

68. baby smiles

69. the innocence of children

70. knowing that God has someone out there for me

71. curly hair

72. gingers!

73. people with little hands

74. people who are left handed

75. william beckett

76. reading blogs

77. being tagged in facebook pictures

78. inside jokes

79. playing with hair

80. people playing with my hair

81. giving massages

82. getting massages

83. rap music, especially weezy

84. openly gay boys

85. meeting new people at shows

86. looking up new friends on facebook/myspace

87. holding hands

88. feeling beautiful

89. jim halpert + pam beesley

90. mark wahlberg, rapping and all

91. batman

92. tim burton films

93. michael keaton

94. roller coasters

95. acting childish

96. eating popsicles

97. laura giving me pony rides

98. muscular dystrophy summer camp

99. my boys cabin at camp

100. hillsong [untied]

101. firefighters

102. pretty eyes

103. converse

104. nike dunks

105. wearing lots of layers on cold days

106. playing in the leaves

107. daisies

108. "daisy"

109. friends who know exactly what i'm thinking without me having to say anything

110. freckles

111. laying in an empty road

112. fingerpainting

113. jones soda

114. f. scott fitzgerald

115. the feeling of butterflies in my tummy

116. boy smells

117. my herbal essences shampoo

118. the smell of clean babies

119. days when i don't have frizzy hair

120. writing in the sand

121. having  a community of online friends that i have never met but can tell anything to

122. days where i don't get dressed at all

123. brushing my teeth

124. nail polish

125. feeling different textures

126. latin convention!

127. country music/concerts

128. opening the Bible to an exact verse i need, like God's reading my mind

129. my posse

130. talking to strangers at starbucks

131. having names picked out for my future children

132. knowing i was born to be a mother

133. complimenting people

134. being complimented

135. knowing that i made someone's day a little better

136. feeding and talking to homeless people

137. praying for others

138. being asked to pray for someone

139. when God answers my prayers

140. being told i'm smart

141. alexander deleon

142. gold foil t-shirts

143. shiny things

144. warped tour

145. giving blood!

146. walt whitman

147. reading poetry

148. william shakespeare

149. conquering a fear

150. writing parody songs

151. julius caesar

152. clever latin poetry

153. lying in bed, thinking of the past

154. looking forward to the future

155. accents

156. my family

157. feeling strong

158. italian food

159. when my iron levels are up

160. "take my hand"

161. movies that make me cry

162. seeing people i care about succeed

163.  arthur

164. feeling short next to someone

165. high heels

166. dancing like a fool

167. dancing in the car

168. blueberry milkshakes from zesto's

169. journaling

170. having mentors

171. donald miller books

172. knowing what big words mean

173. dacula high school

174. being a southern girl

175. knowing that southern accents are sexy

176. pirates

177. dressing up for movie premieres

178. being given flowers

179. drawing smiley faces and hearts next to everything

180. winning a game of comupter solitaire

181. photo booths

182. giving thoughtful presents

183. jessica's mom's muffins

184. holding babies for hours

185. the fact that the beatles have the perfect song for any situation

186. the smell of sharpies

187. halloween/october

188. adrenaline

189. long car rides

190. texas

191. hoping for a blink-182 reunion

192. mtv 'real life' shows

193. food network

194. "that's what she said" jokes

195. walking around target

196. unwrapping new cds

197. reading band "thank yous" in cd booklets

198. disney channel shows/movies

199. quoting lines from the office

200. billy ray cyrus

201. drinking gatorade after shows

202. being sweaty after jogging because i feel like i have accomplished something

203. real Bible study

204. bradley hathaway

205. knowing that my Savior lives, my Savior loves, my Savior's always there for me

206. playing manhunt in the dark

207. sleeping in my own bed after being away

208. writing about bands that i love

209. having bands love what i've written

210. our blogging circle

211. daniel young

212. writing poetry

213. my paw paw

214. wearing shoes because i hate my feet

215. good southern cooking

216. fried pickles

217. the cheesecake factory

218. watching young dads take good care of their children

219. intellegent conversations

220. talking to intellegent and attractive boys

221. laughing at awkward situations

222. awkward animals

223. having a lot of knick knacks in my room

224. my ticket stub diary

225. 'emo' boys and their tight pants

226. guys who are not afraid to show emotion

227. when people trust me with their secrets

228. fairy tales

229. happy endings

230. hearing a beautiful love song

231. when a band plays a song acoustically when i wasn't expecting it

232. talking about girly things

233. blowing bubbles

234. weddings

235. laying in a field watching the clouds/stars

236. wishing at 11:11

237. waffle house

238. knowing i have much to learn about life

239. adults who actually care about teenagers, truly care

240. updating my status on facebook

241. watermelon sour patch kids (sour patch friends)

242. making up after an argument with my parents

243. dyeing my hair different colors

244. when my hair finally returned to its natural color

245. when people call me "whitters"

246. giving people nicknames

247. naming all inanimate objects

248. standing up for what i believe in

249. my cross necklace

250. friendship bracelets

251. tattoos

252. trying something new, even if i don't like it

253. what neil told me about megan

254. making lists

255. good acting

256. people who have lisps because it's adorable

257. when dylan cooks for me

258. playing apples to apples

259. fresh starts

260. good chocolate

261. my birthday

262. the fact that i was born on the first ever national day of prayer

263. high school football games

264. good advice

265. thoughtful people

266. sharing my feelings

267. being a part of the gifted class of 2009

268. shows on TLC

269. the gosselin children

270. charities

271. when God reveals parts of His plan for me

272. showing my dorky side

273. finding out new things about people

274. british culture and music (it's all gold)

275. knowing i am a beautiful woman of God

276. knowing when all else fails, i still have my Jesus

277. tamborine and cowbell solos

my Savior loves, my Savior lives, my Savior's always there for me.

today was beyond hard to deal with. watching a good friend of mine be buried into the ground was one of the hardest things i have ever had to do.  i made a playlist of songs that make me think of megan and i'm sitting here listening, reflecting, crying. but today starts the healing process.  i am so thankful to everyone who has been there for me the last few days. my friends are the most amazing people. that is the one beautiful thing out of all of this: i have grown close to people i haven't really talked to in forever and i have met a whole bunch of people who i have bonded with just because they understand what i am going through. our hearts are broken, but together we can pick up the pieces. this whole ordeal has made me realize how i have taken so many people for granted, just expecting them to be there, but i can never do that again. the people i love are way to special for that. seeing everyone--friends, students, teachers, parents, acquaintances, strangers--untied together to celebrate the life of such an amazing girl was impossibly beautiful. thank you all SO much for restoring my faith. megan baldwin is a girl that will certainly be missed but never forgotten. 

i love you so much, meggy. i can't wait to see you again.

p.s. in honor of megan, i started my happy list yesterday. that will be up on here soon.

this is home.

we're going to get through this. i'm going to get through this. ive gone through Hell and back this year, but all will be okay. life hurts; i never imagined it would hurt this much. but with the help of God, music, and some truly incredible people, i will get through this. no matter what is thrown at me, i can take it. i can't lose faith. being able to lean on the people around me for support has been the best way to deal with everything. i'm done with putting my energy into futlie things that don't matter. i have so much life and love to give and i refuse to waste what time i have. this is home.

this is see you later, i'm not into goodbyes.

less than an hour after i wrote my last post, i received a phone call telling me that one of my friends, megan baldwin, had died in a car crash last night. what awful irony. megan baldwin was one of the nicest, most intellegent, gentle, beautiful, and overall wonderful people i know. she had a light that most can only wish they have. she had the most insight i have seen from a seventeen year old. everything about her was something unique and special that i will miss. today, after many of her friends heard the news, we all gathered to support each other and help each other through this difficult time. we all went around and shared memories we had of megan, and just listening to what people said about her made me realize how many lives and people she impacted. no matter how big or small, megan had an effect on people unlike anyone. she truly loved people for who they are,  just because they are people. the reality still has not set in, but when it does, i know it will hurt. i hate that i've gotten used to this feeling. four deaths in one year hurts way too much.  this time, it feels way to close to home. i'm really glad i have such a great group of people to get through this with. from this point out, i will not take my family and friends for granted. as i said, life is too short. 

but megan, i love you, darling. you've gone home. you're so special that Jesus just needed you back with Him. this is NOT goodbye, for i will see you again one day. 

life is short.

if i've realized anything in the past year, it is that. in an instant, the life of someone you care deeply about can be taken away, without any notice or without a chance to say goodbye. so please, make the most of it. don't waste the life you were given hurting yourself or others around you, in whatever form that may be. life is too much of a blessing to throw away. and make sure the ones you love know that you love them. 

some things they, they never change.

Anyone who knows me knows how much music shapes my life. I have a song or lyric for pretty much every situation, moment, or feeling. Music has captured my emotions and I feel as though songs capture my true self in a way that I never could. Hence why I include a lyric on every post I make, and today is no different. 

"I remember every night we spent on weekends.
With good friends.
We did nothin' but it seems like we did so much.
Back then.
Oh back then we would kick it laughin' all relaxing' 
And taking things for granted.
We did anything for just that little rush.
Just don't forget this.
We won't regret this.
We've got one chance to get it right."

"We All Roll Along" by The Maine

This song sums up my entire year.  Somehow, I have made more friends in the two months since school started than I have at any other point in my life. And these friendships are the kind I know will last. These girls already mean so much to me. It amazes me how much I have found out about them and myself in such a short amount of time. My newspaper class is my favorite part of my senior year, hands down. I could not have been blessed with a better group of people to see every day, and into a group that I love to spend my weekends with. I love how we can talk for hours about seemingly nothing at all, but yet I can remember every conversation we've all had. These girls are each so beautiful in their own way, and I feel like as a whole, we complete each other as friends. Never have I seen such diverse personalities click the way ours do. I would not trade the time I have spent with the people for anything.  Life is beautiful, and it is so nice to have people you care about there to share it with. I've grown closer to my old friends and found new friends that I cannot believe I haven't had before. The only downside for me is that it is my last year here in this town. But I don't want to think about it.  I have way to many memories to make. I love you darlings. Each and every one of you.